Gratitude

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough and more...It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. ~Melody Beattie

This is one of my favorite quotes, and it seemed appropriate for this holiday of Thanksgiving. This month Facebook users have been posting something they are thankful for each day. I must confess I didn't participate in this, not because I wasn't thankful for many things, but because I couldn't seem to settle on just one thing a day. What made one thing the "winner" of the day over another? I also felt the need to explain some things, which isn't status friendly much of the time. So....I left the month with my friends possibly thinking I am an ungrateful sort. Not so. I am thankful for the same things most people posted....family, friends, a job, a home, enough (really too much) food to eat.....and the list goes on.

I am also thankful for those many things that I felt needed an explanation. Such as failure. I am thankful for failure because I really do learn from it. I'm not bullshitting here....believe me, I'm no saint--failure pisses me off! BUT, once the anger and frustration have run their course and I have the sense to reflect on the failure, I find that I usually have been taught a much needed lesson. I also generally find that those lessons learned from a failure are often some of the most valuable. Hopefully they are making me a better person in the end.

I have said before that I am an only child. This I have not been thankful for. It's lonely being an only child....and as you get older, it's a little frightening. There's no one to share the pain of losing parents with. I am very thankful that I haven't had to face that pain yet in my life. What I am thankful for, though, are the siblings-in-law and their spouses and children that I have inherited with my second marriage. They are a treat and a joy, and they have welcomed me as a sister. I LOVE being with them and all of the noisy chatter, laughter and chaos that involves. I no longer feel alone as an only child.

I am also thankful for finding acceptance in unlikely places. A couple of summer's ago my daughter spent the summer with her father and stepmother in Pennsylvania. At the end of the summer, I wrote Jamie (the stepmother) a thank you note for welcoming Cait into her home and for buying her things for her apartment at college as well as some new clothes. Those of you who have to share your children with step- mothers or fathers know what a blessing it is to have them treat your children well. What I didn't expect was a return note telling me what an awesome daughter I had raised accompanied by photos of Cait and Aerial, her dog, that Jamie took while they were at the beach. Validation is always sweet, but it means so much when coming from an unlikely source.

The above experience with Jamie was a great example for me to follow last year when I came face to face with my husband's ex at his father's funeral. Instead of ignoring her or avoiding her to escape the awkward meeting, I simply thanked her for coming (no small feat since she drove through a horrific snow storm and frigid temperatures to be there), and told her how much her presence meant to her sons. It cost me nothing, and I think gave her something (based on my experience with Jamie). After all, problems between former spouses really shouldn't be held against the current ones, should they?

Thankful for lessons learned, however they come.....whether by "still, small voice" or out and out smack upside the head. Knowledge is power.....and the power lies in being able to heal the heart. There's a whole lotta gratitude in that.

"Sistas"

I am an only child. This lot in life has always left me feeling a bit cheated and like I missed out on something terribly important. For most of my life I thought that something was a brother. When I was around 12, I decided to "adopt" one. My parents had some good friends at our church who had a son, also an only child, who was a few (6) years older than me. I proposed a deal with him for us to become "adopted" siblings. Now I'm sure this gave him a laugh, but he chose to humor me and agreed to be my big brother. He's been a pretty good big brother over the years....I've had the benefit of knowing he's there if I need him, but without having to put up with the teasing and tormenting that biological brothers inflict on their sisters (although, having a son and daughter myself now, I know this is something important in that relationship that I've also missed out on). Now I wouldn't trade Ken for anything in the world....in fact, he's still looking out for me on the executive board of One Good Deed.....however, as I've entered my middle-aged years, I've come to realize there's something else I've missed out on as an only child....and that is SISTERS!

I never wanted a sister growing up. All of the ones I knew who were sisters of my friends seemed like an awful lot of trouble and, well.....competition! As it turns out, we really do get wiser with age. I think getting older brings its own perspective on life which is lost on our youth simply for the fact that we haven't yet lived enough to realize that all of the things we found to be of great importance in our younger years really don't amount to much. When I found my current (and last--because he's wonderful and perfect for me!) husband, I also inherited his sisters and sisters-in-law. This opened a new and marvelous world to me!

Don't get me wrong here....I had a great assortment of female friends over the span of my life, and shared many experiences that were made richer for those relationships. But.....it was different. In my life now I still find myself with an assortment of female friends and also some inherited sisters who, I am happy to say are also my friends. To my amazement and great joy, I have found these marvelous creatures to be just about the best thing EVER!

Have I mentioned before that I am really rather shy? Hard to believe for some of you, I know, but it's true. The women in my life these days who have become my extended family, and whom I've come to think of as "Sistas," have filled that void that was there in my childhood. Okay, so some of you are thinking "big deal, she's talking about networking." Not so....networks are who you call when you need a job or a professional introduction or the name of the person who can put you in touch with the person.....you get my drift. But "Sistas" are the ones who coax you into a goofy hat and proper attire for a royal wedding to sip champagne beverages and watch Will and Kate say "I do" as you totally make teary, sniveling fools out of yourselves while proclaiming how terribly sweet and romantic it all is. "Sistas" spice up a routine cab ride by spinning a tale to the cabbie about you being dairy farmers from Wisconsin who are in town for a cheese convention, and then later get him to agree to drive across town to pick up a last minute Christmas gift for your grandchild who just today told you she can't possibly live without something you realize you've overlooked on her list and you can't possibly go yourself because you're already in your jammies and of course you will pay him handsomely. They are the ones who call you to tell you about a grant that might be perfect for your organization---not to be confused with networking because the sista actually prints off the application and brings it to you and offers to help write it. Or they climb a display at the department store to dismantle and undress the manikin torso who they are sure is wearing the size you need for your husband. "Sistas" have your back at all times no matter what and will rally to your side whatever the occasion or disaster and immediately formulate a plan, attack, or party befitting the occasion. (and yes, biological sisters can also be "Sistas")

Now, my "Sistas," you know who you are....and you have become many these several years, I have to say you make my life fuller and richer and I don't know how I ever survived before you came along. I do know that I could not possibly survive without you now! Celebrate yourselves.....and let's make a date real soon to put on our most Carrie-like shoes and spend an evening with the sex and the city girls while drinking cosmos and catching up on life!

"Aren't You Afraid?!?"

I think the question I get asked the most about going to Rwanda is, "But aren't you afraid?!?" I typically launch into an explanation about Rwanda's past and issues still boiling up in the DRC and then finish off by saying that I am cautious while in Rwanda, but have never felt afraid. All of that is true.

That being said, I have been thinking about this question lately as I prepare to return to Rwanda in March with some of my colleagues. Now I think I would answer that question differently. My answer now will be, "Yes, I am afraid." And here is why:

I am afraid that no matter what I manage to do in this country, there are still children surviving on one meal a day--if they're lucky. I am afraid that people are still living without potable water and have to walk, sometimes 3 or more miles just to have a drink that won't make them sick. I am afraid that HIV/AIDS is still taking many lives and leaving people with large holes in their families where people once were--despite our best efforts at educating them, and despite the world's efforts at providing treatment to people in this country and many others. I am afraid that a woman I have come to love and admire for her dedication to the children of this country, so much so that she left America several years ago to make a home for them in their own land, will leave this world and there will be no one to take over her work with the children she has raised and loved as her own. I am afraid that once the term is up for their current president, another who will follow will not have the vision for his/her country that President Kigame does and that genocide may rear its ugly head once more. I am afraid that no matter what I am able to accomplish in my lifetime, these people that I have come to love will still be impoverished and forgotten by the rest of the world.

I was going to fill this blog with photos aimed at shocking by the simple horror that everyday life is for some people--mostly those with HIV/AIDS, but I chose instead to leave you with this one because it symbolizes the hope I have for the future of these people. It is what keeps me going even though my Mastercard balance is frightening and ways to make extra money in my own country are scarce right now......It is HOPE and it's why I will return as long as I'm able to do what I can so they will know they aren't forgotten--at least not by me.

(Thank you to Nicole Mainzer for sharing this photo of two of Mama Arlene's children on her facebook page.)

Serendipity

So as not to offend the nonreligious or not so spiritual of you--or, really, not to scare the rest of you and send my children off on a search for a loony bin to put me in (like they haven't thought of that before!), I will call the amazing coincident-like experiences I tend to have "serendipity." This word doesn't really suit me because I don't believe in chance, or I at least choose not to believe that things happen by chance, I will use it anyway for convenience.

Over the past four or so years, my life has had more than its fair share of serendipity. Lately this has been in the form of speaking opportunities with various groups and organizations--don't be overly impressed, these are local things and, while important nonetheless, they will not make me famous! So, as I've been pondering what to say at each of these opportunities, I've been thinking a lot about how some things have come about and what they have meant to me in my life. (This is another thing you begin to do as you get older....ponder the meaning of your life--or maybe try to ascribe meaning to your life!)

One incident that has taken on a new meaning to me is an encounter I had with a neighbor, also a nurse. I was watching TV with my husband one night and I kept hearing something hitting the window behind me. I looked out, but couldn't see anything. Steve said he would take the dog out for her last potty break of the night and see if there was anything out there that could be hitting the window. Turns out it was our downstairs neighbor, Donna. Donna is also a nurse and we have often enjoyed sharing "war" stories about our careers. Donna had found herself locked out of her condo because her patio door had closed and locked behind her, and being on the first floor, they had a privacy fence with a padlocked gate due to recent break ins in the neighborhood. So....she was trapped on her patio. This was in the fall and the nights were getting kind of chilly, so she wan't happy with the idea that she might be there awhile before someone came along to rescue her! Steve got to be her knight in shining armor (more likely her knight in faded jeans and a sweatshirt) and let her back into her condo.

We all had a good laugh over the incident and then I forgot about it. A week or so later, Donna appeared at our door bearing a bottle of wine to thank us for the rescue. We spent the evening on our balcony drinking wine and talking. Once that talk turned toward our common interest of nursing, Steve excused himself. On this particular night, Donna was talking about her recent resignation from the place she had worked for many years. Her husband had started a new business venture which was taking them too far from the area to continue living here and they were in the process of moving and selling their condo--much to our dismay!

For the two of you who regularly follow this blog....you might recall that I, too, had resigned from a job that I was at for several years, and while I seldom share the details of that, it was an extremely hurtful experience. Suffice it to say that for those who spend their careers easing the pain of others, we often inflict so much of it on each other. Anyway, as it turns out, Donna had had a similar experience to mine with her resignation. We had a very frank discussion about our hurt and it was cathartic for both of us. We ended the evening with hugs and "air" kisses and with the promise to "do this again soon."

A couple of weeks after this conversation I learned that Donna had become quite ill and was in intensive care with a terrible case of pneumonia. In a very short time, the pneumonia won and claimed her life. Now Donna and I weren't best friends, but we did share a love of nursing and the bond that such things bring, so her death hit me harder than it might have if she had just been a passing acquaintance. That, and the fact that she was just truly a warm, compassionate person who genuinely cared about people.

Serendipity....Had Donna not locked herself out of her condo, we might never have shared this conversation. It was a conversation that went a long way toward healing my heart, and I hope it did the same for her. I think we always have a lesson to learn from the things life throws at us. Often from a place of great heartache can come great healing and success. If I hadn't experienced the heartache of betrayal and mistreatment when I left a job I had loved, I might not have been in the right place emotionally to experience Rwanda in the way that I did. I wish I could say that the heartache is gone, but it is, after all, heartache and it will have to heal in its own time. But I am thankful that from the experience, I was taken to a place that had suffered unimaginable heartache and I met people who have worked through that heartache to come to a place of healing and who face a brighter future because of the lessons learned. Serendipity.....

A Chance to Share.....

Apparently meeting with the Minister of Health has given me some credibility. Important work somehow doesn't stand alone unless someone important deems it so. I'm fortunate that someone important took notice of what I was doing and considered it worthwhile.....not because I necessarily needed that validation, but because it has opened doors for me that might otherwise have remained closed. Below is a photo of Dr. Bingawaho (the "someone important"):

Dr. Bingawaho has a very impressive resume:

Dr. Binagwaho is currently Senior Lecturer in the Department of Global Health and Social Medicine in Harvard Medical School. She chairs the Rwanda Country Coordinating Mechanism of The Global Fund to fight AIDS, tuberculosis, and malaria. Dr. Binagwaho is the co-chair of the Salzburg Global Seminar "Innovating for Value in Health Care Delivery: better cross-border learning, smarter adaptation and adoption." She is a member of the Global Task Force on Expanded Access to Cancer Care and Control in Developing Countries. Dr. Binagwaho also serves on the Health Advisory Board for Time Magazine; and on the International Strategic Advisory Board for the Institute of Global Health Innovation at Imperial College London. -- Wikipedia, retrieved November 3, 2011.

She received training as a pediatrician in Belgium and France where she specialized in emergency pediatrics, neonatology, and HIV/AIDS treatment in children and adults. She is the current Minister of Health of Rwanda where she was born, and she has received an honorary PhD from Dartmouth......So, now do you see why I was absolutely terrified to meet with the woman?!?

I'm so glad Lindsay didn't tell me all of this from her Google search before our meeting! I probably would have fainted dead away--as it was I could hardly speak. Now, I don't want you to think she is foreboding or unpleasant. Not at all.....well, maybe just a little foreboding, but she was quite pleasant to us, and it seemed she was giving very serious consideration to the value of the Helping Babies Breathe program for her country. She obviously saw the potential for the program to effect real change because she gave us her endorsement and the go-ahead to proceed with training in the country. I hope I will get a chance to meet her again someday, and I hope next time I can be a little more at ease so we can actually have a two-sided conversation--one in which I am not tongue-tied and in a panic!

People in the U.S. are mildly impressed at this meeting; mainly, I think, because they didn't really think I had it in me to accomplish it (and in reality I didn't accomplish anything, I just showed up for the meeting that Claudia from Eos Visions arranged!) But in any case, several people at home have taken a new look at my work in Rwanda. At first I wanted to say, "Well, what did you think I was doing over there?!?" But I realize that while I talk about my trips a lot, I tend to downplay the importance of what is accomplished. This is
partly because I am having a hard time believing it myself, and partly because I get the sense that some people seem a little miffed at me. My husband says I'm too paranoid, but I think I'm pretty intuitive about these things, and this reaction often puzzles me. Anyone can do what I am doing if they're willing to spend the time and money. Okay, maybe not anyone, but anyone with some training in some kind of useful information, which, after all, is just about anyone! Sooooo, in an effort to calm my paranoia, I decided to share a bit more with people what I actually have been doing in Rwanda the past three + years.

The first sharing opportunity came at the National Association of Neonatal Nurses (NANN) Conference in September 2010. I submitted a poster presentation on the "adoption" of the NICU at King Faisal Hospital in Kigali by my unit at the University of Kansas Hospital. The title of the presentation was "From Kansas to Kigali: Sister Units."




This is Sara and I in front of the poster. Sara, Ali, Alice Cannon, and Jen (my former manager) were all co-authors of this poster because each had a role in making it happen!

Last month I had another opportunity to share, this time at a neonatal update in my own unit. I was given the opportunity to present on Rwanda for CEU credit. I decided to include a variety of experiences and to include a bit more personal information about my trips. I tend to shy away from divulging personal information where Rwanda is concerned, in part because it is deeply personal and tends to make me teary (which sometimes has the effect of making others uncomfortable), and in part because (I know many of you will find this hard to believe) I am actually a rather shy person. Seriously, when it comes to opening up to people about my feelings, I find it difficult--you know, exposing that soft little underbelly and all!

What I found through this experience, though, was that the validation I really wanted was the one I got from my peers and coworkers at this presentation. And the validation wasn't for me, but for Rwanda and for the impoverished, underprivileged and often forgotten people of the world.....my heart.

I have some other sharing opportunities coming up in the next few months...a couple with nursing students, possibly one at Grand Rounds, and at some community organizations. I have also submitted a couple of abstracts for presentation at next year's NANN conference. My goal is to increase awareness of the importance of looking at healthcare from an international perspective because now, more than at any other time in history, we are living in a global community and what effects the least of us will have an impact on most of us. We have to be aware, we have to care, and we have to act before it is too late. This is my purpose, my passion, my crusade.....