Lessons in Life and Loss

In March I asked for prayers for "my girl" who was actually my primary patient. She was taken to a children's hospital for advanced treatment and people were praying unceasingly for this baby and her family. In my line of work you'd think I would get used to the fact that not every patient makes it, but I don't. My girl was taken from us in mid-March right before I was scheduled to leave for a Nurse in Washington Internship (NIWI) conference. My heart was broken.....for her, for her family, and just in general at the unfairness of a life lost so early. In my heart of hearts I knew she would not be long for this world. She was an "old soul." To me, people who are old souls are often here to teach us a lesson, and once their purpose is served they are gone. So it was, I think, with this little one. She taught me, among other things, that life is fragile and certainly not to be taken for granted. That we all have only a short amount of time and we should make the most of it. We should use the abilities and gifts we've been given to the best possible advantage to make a difference, if not in the world, at least in the life of another.

Everybody has a purpose and a mission. I think this little girl's purpose was to remind an entire unit of why we do what we do everyday and to remember that every patient and family are special and deserve the very best we have to offer. I think she also brought us together as a whole....reminding us that we are a team and that we laugh and have fun as a team, but also that we pull together as a team in those tough times to break out every ounce of experience and ability we have to give our patients our best....always.

So, it was with a very heavy heart that I left for Washington DC on March 16 to attend the Nurse in Washington Internship. I had been given this incredible opportunity by the National Association of Neonatal Nurses (NANN), and had been excited about it for weeks but the loss of this child had broken my heart and nothing could repair it. I took her with me in thought, and once there, she became "my story." As we were instructed on how to approach our members of Congress with our "asks," they told us to tell a story that would be remembered. As a representative of NANN, I was asking for legislation related to prematurity and to newborn screening. I told "my story" and I think it was made more powerful and memorable because my emotion was still raw from the loss. I hope it made a difference to my senators and representative, and I hope they will think of "my girl" every time a piece of legislation crosses their desk that involves the health and welfare of our tiniest constituents.

Angst over a BUDGET exercise (in futility)

I've had a busy few weeks lately. We've been crazy busy at work with census high and getting ready for the move to our new unit. I've also been busy with school.....the class I've been working on is Health Finance and Organization and I have to make a budget for a health promotion activity. Really?!? Apparently these people do not know me. I am not exactly well-versed in budgeting! Spending, now there's a topic I have mastered! Sigh.

This class is worth one credit.....I have spent an eternity on it. Finally called the instructor and told her I was struggling with this whole budget thing. I've lived in the non-profit world for too long.....I'm a master at finding ways around spending money.....unless, of course, it's my own--then I overspend......Sigh. She laughed at me. Told me to get over it....it's an exercise to see if I understand the concept.....Hello!!!!! Was she not listening to me?!? I do get it, I really do. Fixed expenses are the ones we're forced to pay if we want life to continue as we know it.....mortgage/rent, condo association dues; variable expenses are the ones that may still come every month, but may not be the same amount: food, clothing (always high--especially if shoes are involved), utilities (also high with this endless winter we are having.....well, and my perpetual personal summer....sigh); controllable expenses (here's where I have a problem.....I can't control my spending--maybe that's not the same?) are ones you determine how much you'll spend (until it's gone, duh!); uncontrollable expenses (shoes? bags?--not sure); and unrecoverable expenses which I think, really, are all of them because once the money's gone....it's GONE! Sooooo, I finally said "screw it" and just made something up. Big surprise....I ended up in the hole. Sigh. I talked to my student mentor about it and told her I ended up in the hole. You know, you'd think I would be used to getting laughed at over a budget by now, but..... She did make a good point....I can make up the numbers, so I just need to add to the grant money for my project. Wouldn't it be great if it really worked that way?!?......"Honey, I'm sorry I bought yet another pair of shoes, but I just added a bigger amount to the checking account to cover it. What? No, I didn't add money.....I just increased the amount!"

Counting on the Power of Prayer!

In the "wee" hours of the morning today I watched as a fragile little girl was loaded into a transport isolette to begin the journey of her life. She has a tough road ahead. I also watched as her parents' hearts broke. Nurses know that we often find ourselves drawn into the lives of our patients and their families, the lines between the personal and the professional blur and we connect on a level that goes beyond the clinical. So please take a moment today to send some love, some strength, and some positive thoughts their way. I can't give her a name for you as confidentiality prohibits that, but I've always called her "my girl." So please say a prayer for my girl!

Ringing in the New Year Quietly and Locally....Just the Way I Like!

I have the advantage of ringing in each New Year by celebrating another year of marriage with the love of my life. This year we opted for a quiet dinner at a local restaurant. We were able to walk to dinner--even better--and although the New Year was ushered in by the first snow of the season, we still walked the short distance. I love our neighborhood. It has that old neighborhood feel of my childhood where everybody knows each other, at least by sight, and we support the local businesses.

That's us....well, from Halloween a couple of years ago, but we haven't changed that much! We spent last night at a local restaurant in the shops above, and then returned to Home Sweet Home to sit by the fire as we ended our day. Exactly the anniversary we both wanted! Happy New Year, and may 2013 bring you and yours many blessings!

A Recap of the Last Few Months......

It's been a long time since I've been here.....almost six months! It's hard to believe I've neglected writting something for that long, being the "wordy" person that I am! I guess I should update 2012 before moving on to 2013......I last posted in July, so I'll start with August activities!

August found me on my way to College Station, Texas to move my daughter, Cait, into her apartment before starting her Master's program at Texas A&M. She is enrolled in the Bush Business School (not sure why it's called the business school since her major isn't in business, but....) The Business School is a nice area of campus and there is a large pond next to the school where George (HW) fishes and Barbara walks the dogs.

Our trip to Texas was rather a nightmare. We started out with the idea of staying overnight somewhere in Oklahoma before driving the rest of the way, but we weren't aware that all the hotels are full of people who work on the oil rigs. So.....we drove for hours (my husband was in a fabulous mood since he had worked all day before we set out on this journey!) We finally found a small hotel with one room left and we checked in at 3 a.m. deciding we would sleep until we woke up and then drive the rest of the way.

The highlight of the trip was the trailer we were pulling started falling apart little by little along the way! It was one of my dad's "inventions" that he made from scrap--we looked like Sanford and Son traveling down the highway! For those of you too young to know what that reference is, keep quiet! We did finally make it, though, and the work of moving began. Thankfully Cait, who had been there a few days before us, found a few able-bodied classmates who were willing to help with the heavy stuff....and all they asked in return was dinner and a few beers!

And you know it's home when the dog goes to sleep!

September found me working on Developmental Care modules from the National Association of Neonatal Nurses (NANN) in preparation to take their Developmental Care Specialist test. I also finally took the plunge and applied for grad school--never too late to learn, right?!? This gave me no small measure of anxiety, but I was accepted and will begin in January.

In October Steve and I headed for Palm Springs for the NANN conference where I was presenting a poster and a podium presentation! The poster was my backup plan for when my podium presentation wasn't accepted, but instead I was accepted for both. Sigh.....Another anxiety producing event! It went well, though, and it was a great experience!

I was home for a week after Palm Springs and then headed back to Rwanda for 12 days! It was an eventful trip.....first time I've ever had an issue with one of the delegation team, so that was an unpleasant experience (and that's all I'll say about that) I also had pneumonia for most of the trip, but in typical NICU nurse fashion, I powered on.....continued to train healthcare workers and students in the Helping Babies Breathe Program!

Here are some photos from our trip:

And as 2012 draws to a close....we find out the Mayans were wrong and the world goes on! Merry Christmas from my family to yours (through the eyes of the youngest members of the Geier family):

Meltdowns, Countdowns, and "Throw-downs"

It's been a busy month....both at the paying job and at One Good Deed. We've had a high census at the paying job, and also some pretty high acuity patients (that's really sick babies in layman's terms!). I've also had a capstone student with me, so besides having to behave myself :-) I've had to put my "teaching hat" on and explain a lot of what we do. All good things, but I come home pretty tired. In fact, I don't always make it home before the tired hits! A case in point was last week when I literally "dozed off" in mid-sentence while giving change of shift report!

Come on, haven't you had times when you thought it would feel really good to just close your eyes for a second? Well, that thought apparently crossed my mind and went straight to my eyes because they closed for just a few seconds. Unfortunately, I was in mid-sentence.....It was just a few seconds, but I remember thinking "something isn't quite right here" and looked up to see the on-coming nurse looking at me with a puzzled expression. What the hell, might as well be honest--there's no graceful way to come out of that one, so I said, "Oh I am so sorry. I think I almost dozed off there for a second--or, OMG was it more?!?" She burst out laughing and said it was like five seconds, tops (thank God!) and we went on. Funny, yes. Embarrassing, ABSOLUTELY! But I at least have finally admitted to myself that something has got to give and I must take care of myself and get more sleep!

Humiliating story aside, I have been having a few meltdowns lately. Things are happening very fast right now where One Good Deed is concerned....good things, but the pace is a lot when you are also trying to juggle a full-time night shift job. I mention the night shift part because it is, I think, harder to organize a busy life while trying to get enough sleep during the day. Our bodies were not meant to sleep during the daylight hours and it's hard when other tasks keep rearing their heads and demanding attention! Which brings me to the "countdown" part of this blog (and will hopefully explain the previous whining and meltdown part!)

The countdown is on for several things....namely the NANN Conference which is coming up in October and which I have to prepare both a poster presentation (not too stressful as it is almost done) and a podium presentation (meltdown!) which is started, but I'm not satisfied with the way it's going yet. I say yet because I am certain it will get there. It will, right?!?

The other countdown has to do with our upcoming trip to Rwanda in November to continue our training in the Helping Babies Breathe Program. This generally isn't too stressful for me because it is what I love, but.....a lot has been going on in the past few weeks and things have grown exponentially in this arena. My head is spinning as I try to keep up with all of the necessary work this requires while also, you know, trying to work! I just keep reminding myself that this journey I'm on was put before me for a reason, and it is the path I have chosen because I know it is right! Anyway....I plug on. And for all of the well-meaning people in my life who are giving advice like "you should cut your hours at the paying job." I would love to be able to do that.....but I have to have an income, and besides that, I love my job! And to those who say I should slow down--again, would love to, but I didn't set this pace--I just have to keep up! However, I do try to take a little time to get away from it all every so often--especially when the meltdowns seem to come one after the other--so I don't make the lives of those around me too terribly miserable! (And, yes, I am aware that a meltdown slipped into the countdown part here!)

That Someone (God) I refer to also helps out by intervening in ways that are interesting although somewhat frustrating--like the past few days when we stole away to the lake for a little quiet time before heading back into the fray. I agree to these mini vacations because I know I can still keep in touch via internet......unless there is no internet, which is what happened this time! The stress gnawed at me for a bit, but what could I do? I decided it was beyond my control and I might as well just roll with it. Thank goodness for that because I really did need the break! But, today I am back at it and trying to catch up on what I missed the last few days. I also have to remember to schedule a nap today since I am working tonight! Anyway......

On to the "throw-down" part. I think I have mentioned before about Helaina from Eos Visions and her extensive work trying to get Fidele from the Ministry of Health in Rwanda to meet with us and work with us....Well, dear Helaina has since taken a job back in the U.S.--nice job, too, at the State Department--and Katie from Canada has taken her place at Eos. Katie was warned by us all that she had her work cut out for her where Fidele is concerned. And God bless her, she took that challenge in stride and made great headway for us! Not only did Fidele make an appointment with Katie, but he kept the appointment, AND he listened and contributed to future plans for the Helping Babies Breathe training in Rwanda, AND (drum roll, please!), he said we needed to draft an MOU (memorandum of understanding--aka contract) with the Ministry from which to work on future trainings! Bravo, Katie, Bravo! Well played, indeed! She threw down the gauntlet and Fidele picked it up and ran with it! This, my friends, is HUGE!!!! It's also things like this that keep happening for us that make all the meltdowns worth it!

So.....I apologize for the lengthy blog with no photos to break it up, but I just had to catch you up on the chaos! It is frustrating and trying at times, but it is so very worth it! There are some other things in the works as well, so keep your fingers crossed for me as I continue my muzungu journey! But for now, I've gotta take a nap!

In New York Harbor Stands a Lady......and in East Harlem serves a Sister

Last weekend we joined Steve's family in New York for the final vow ceremony of his niece, Kensie, now better known as Sister Mary Pieta of the Divine Mercy. Not being a member of the Catholic faith, I went with a large measure of curiosity and prepared to learn a lot. I was happy to be included in this most important occasion.

While I did learn a lot about the Catholic faith,  I wasn't prepared for the emotional impact this ceremony had on me. Five young women took vows to commit themselves to their faith, and essentially, to become the brides of Christ. The ceremony was presided over by Cardinal Dolan, the Archbishop of New York, who is, in his own right, kind of a big deal in Catholic circles. I am sure he would beg to disagree, as I found him to be quite down to earth and humble.

I was raised in a protestant church, a Bible church--somewhat similar to Baptist in its beliefs, and while we had our rituals, they weren't as far-reaching as those of the Catholic Church. Later in my life, I visited various churches trying to find a home, all of them either Baptist or something very close. After my divorce, my kids and I started going to an Episcopal church down the street from where we lived. Mainly because my kids had many friends at the church and it wasn't such a struggle to get them to go to church. What I found, though, was that I rather liked the ritual and the customs. Not because I felt they were necessary to my beliefs, but because they prompted me to think about the reason for my beliefs. I am sure many of my friends in the Baptist church will disagree with me, but I have come to feel over the years that religions are very similar in their origins and actually share many commonalities. So....I no longer associate myself with one particular religion, but I do have my beliefs and I do consider myself a spiritual person.

Anyway, I digress.....back to Lady Liberty and the Sister.

Inspired by the Holy Spirit to become a Spouse of Christ
and desiring to live the Gospel more intensely
in the spirit of Saint Francis and Saint Clare, I,
Sr. Mary Pieta of the Divine Mercy,
vow and promise to Almighty God, to the Blessed Virgin Mary, to our Holy Father, Saint Francis,
 to our Holy Mother, Saint Clare,
 and to you, Your Eminence,
to observe for my entire life,
the rule of Saint Francis of Assisi,
confirmed by our lord, Pope Honorius,
as interpreted in the Constitutions
of the Franciscan Sisters of the Renewal,
living in obedience, without property,
in poverty and in chastity.

With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
"Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she
With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Emma Lazarus, 1883

Lady Liberty stands for freedom, the concept on which our country was founded. This past weekend I had the opportunity to lay eyes on her for the first time. It was unexpectedly emotional. I tell you this because I am making a parallel here. 

Sister Mary Pieta is another "Lady Liberty." She serves in east Harlem, New York at a convent in the "hood." She stands for Christ in her commitment to serve the poor. I am touched and moved by both of these ladies for their commitment to what is good, and right, and in Sister's case, holy. I applaud their passion and their compassion, and even today as I write this, I am moved to tears to be part of something that is bigger than myself and that touches the lives of many for the betterment of all. So God bless both of you ladies!