Lessons in Life and Loss

In March I asked for prayers for "my girl" who was actually my primary patient. She was taken to a children's hospital for advanced treatment and people were praying unceasingly for this baby and her family. In my line of work you'd think I would get used to the fact that not every patient makes it, but I don't. My girl was taken from us in mid-March right before I was scheduled to leave for a Nurse in Washington Internship (NIWI) conference. My heart was broken.....for her, for her family, and just in general at the unfairness of a life lost so early. In my heart of hearts I knew she would not be long for this world. She was an "old soul." To me, people who are old souls are often here to teach us a lesson, and once their purpose is served they are gone. So it was, I think, with this little one. She taught me, among other things, that life is fragile and certainly not to be taken for granted. That we all have only a short amount of time and we should make the most of it. We should use the abilities and gifts we've been given to the best possible advantage to make a difference, if not in the world, at least in the life of another.

Everybody has a purpose and a mission. I think this little girl's purpose was to remind an entire unit of why we do what we do everyday and to remember that every patient and family are special and deserve the very best we have to offer. I think she also brought us together as a whole....reminding us that we are a team and that we laugh and have fun as a team, but also that we pull together as a team in those tough times to break out every ounce of experience and ability we have to give our patients our best....always.

So, it was with a very heavy heart that I left for Washington DC on March 16 to attend the Nurse in Washington Internship. I had been given this incredible opportunity by the National Association of Neonatal Nurses (NANN), and had been excited about it for weeks but the loss of this child had broken my heart and nothing could repair it. I took her with me in thought, and once there, she became "my story." As we were instructed on how to approach our members of Congress with our "asks," they told us to tell a story that would be remembered. As a representative of NANN, I was asking for legislation related to prematurity and to newborn screening. I told "my story" and I think it was made more powerful and memorable because my emotion was still raw from the loss. I hope it made a difference to my senators and representative, and I hope they will think of "my girl" every time a piece of legislation crosses their desk that involves the health and welfare of our tiniest constituents.

Angst over a BUDGET exercise (in futility)

I've had a busy few weeks lately. We've been crazy busy at work with census high and getting ready for the move to our new unit. I've also been busy with school.....the class I've been working on is Health Finance and Organization and I have to make a budget for a health promotion activity. Really?!? Apparently these people do not know me. I am not exactly well-versed in budgeting! Spending, now there's a topic I have mastered! Sigh.

This class is worth one credit.....I have spent an eternity on it. Finally called the instructor and told her I was struggling with this whole budget thing. I've lived in the non-profit world for too long.....I'm a master at finding ways around spending money.....unless, of course, it's my own--then I overspend......Sigh. She laughed at me. Told me to get over it....it's an exercise to see if I understand the concept.....Hello!!!!! Was she not listening to me?!? I do get it, I really do. Fixed expenses are the ones we're forced to pay if we want life to continue as we know it.....mortgage/rent, condo association dues; variable expenses are the ones that may still come every month, but may not be the same amount: food, clothing (always high--especially if shoes are involved), utilities (also high with this endless winter we are having.....well, and my perpetual personal summer....sigh); controllable expenses (here's where I have a problem.....I can't control my spending--maybe that's not the same?) are ones you determine how much you'll spend (until it's gone, duh!); uncontrollable expenses (shoes? bags?--not sure); and unrecoverable expenses which I think, really, are all of them because once the money's gone....it's GONE! Sooooo, I finally said "screw it" and just made something up. Big surprise....I ended up in the hole. Sigh. I talked to my student mentor about it and told her I ended up in the hole. You know, you'd think I would be used to getting laughed at over a budget by now, but..... She did make a good point....I can make up the numbers, so I just need to add to the grant money for my project. Wouldn't it be great if it really worked that way?!?......"Honey, I'm sorry I bought yet another pair of shoes, but I just added a bigger amount to the checking account to cover it. What? No, I didn't add money.....I just increased the amount!"