It's amazing how time flies when life happens. I originally took a break in order to pay off my debt from my trips to Rwanda...which I did. Along the way, though, I went back to school and got my Master's in Nursing Education, have been teaching clinical students for the University of Kansas School of Nursing for the past four semesters, taught an online RN-BSN program for a semester, moved to Branson, and am still working in the NICU at KU--although part time. My muzungu journey has taken me far: physically, mentally, spiritually, and philosophically these past two years. Things I deemed life shattering turned out to be just another thing to overcome, things I took for granted turned out to be some of the most rewarding and fulfilling things in life, and a couple of people I took for granted have since left this world leaving me with a deep, massive space that no other can fill.
There's really just no way to catch up on all that has happened since I last posted here except to say that I've found life to be incredibly harsh, amazing, fulfilling, depleting, and satisfying all in a matter of months. My Master's classes reminded me of the passion I have for my profession and gave me a new hero in the form of none other than Florence Nightingale--an AMAZING woman for her time! I also realized the importance of lifelong learning, professionalism, accountability, mentoring, and bringing up the next generation. Teaching clinical students reignited something in me that I hope never burns out. It has been amazing to re-enter the world of adult nursing and realize that, yes Miss Benson, I really was paying attention all those years ago at good ol' MIZZOU at the Sinclair School of Nursing! Yet I also felt that I was somehow learning all over again, right along with my students. Being an "ask forgiveness rather than permission" kind of gal, I used post conference to take my students all over the hospital to learn about other areas and opportunities for nurses (I'm sorry, Dr. Godfrey, I was intentionally breaking the rules, but I really do think those students will be better nurses for it in the long run!). We explored the neonatal unit (of course!), hematology and oncology, palliative care, the emergency department, and we even went to an autopsy so they could see that our patients are STILL our patients even after death--they get the same dignity in death as they do in life. We also learned about the Lippincott site for protocols so they could understand why we do the things we do as they worked on their quality improvement projects, and we stopped the CNO of the hospital in the hall one day just to say hi--and because I know she is always a good object lesson when we talk about professionalism and opportunity and lifelong learning! They even attended a Mock Code in the NICU with me because I couldn't leave them in the clinical setting without me and I had to go collect data for my Master's thesis. They still learned, even in that situation, that things aren't always as they appear--for instance, the doctor "running" the mock code was leaning against the wall watching--WHAT?!? they asked how that could be--he never said a word. Exactly! A well functioning team KNOWS WHAT TO DO with very few words spoken! That's why teamwork is our mantra and we preach it ALL THE TIME! My students.....I love them, I miss them, and when my life settles a bit, I will return to them. They are amazing and I think our health will be in good hands.
Can I just say, though, that 2015 got off to a really bad start? Both Steve and I lost our mothers this year. You are NEVER old enough to lose your mother. I am convinced that mothers are the glue that holds the entire world together, and given the shape of the world today I believe we need more mothers! I will miss both of our moms. Did I mention they both passed within a week of each other? I think we are both still a little shell-shocked. Steve and I were both at work the night his mother passed. I never carry my cell phone with me at work, but for some reason I had it in my pocket the night his mother died. I was finishing an assessment on a baby and it rang, scaring me to death because I wasn't supposed to have it, and also because I forgot that I did and it was in a baby's room and that bothered me because they don't need that noise! Anyway, as soon as I saw the display as I went to answer it (to make the ringing stop!) and realized it was Steve's sister, I knew in my heart what had happened. She was crying and they were on the way to the nursing home. His mom had called the nurse to help her turn over and when they got her settled, she just closed her eyes and rested her chin on her chest and was gone. We realized later that she died four years to the day AND in the same hour that Steve's dad had passed. OMG--he came to get her! They'd been apart for far too long, and he came to get his bride back by his side!
My mother had been ill off and on for the past few years. She was a chronic Type I diabetic and her body was just giving up. We had seen her through a couple of hospitalizations over the several months before her passing--mostly related to the effects diabetes has on the body long term, in her case cardiac and renal failure. We were at Steve's brother's home after his mother's funeral and had just returned to our hotel room when I heard him say, "Oh no. You need to call your dad." My mind was racing. Surely we had had enough for one day! What was I going to discover in that phone call? I wasn't sure I was ready to handle anything else, but I dialed my dad's cell phone. My mother was in the hospital in Branson awaiting an ambulance. She had acute appendicitis?!? Really? Was this some cruel joke? The attending covering the ER that night in Branson said he was not comfortable operating due to her extensive history so he had called KU and spoken with the surgeon on call and she was being transferred from Branson to KU where she would have an appendectomy as soon as she arrived and was stabilized. It was already late, and I knew we were in no shape to make the 6 hour drive home. Needless to say, we got very little sleep before heading back to Kansas City. She looked so pale and fragile in that hospital bed. She had survived the surgery, which was not a given the night before, but she was so pale and still very out of it from her ordeal. It nearly killed me when I asked her if she knew who I was and she looked at me for awhile then said, "No, not really." But when I said my name, she shook her head and said, "Of course, Sherri and Steve!" Small victory. I spoke to the nurse and was alarmed by some of her lab values, but she was resting and they were keeping her comfortable so we went home to get some sleep. The next morning, as we were on our way out the door to return to KU, my phone rang. I saw a number that was KU and froze. It was a nurse from the palliative care team. She informed me that my dad had made some decisions and she wanted to make sure we were on the same page. Overnight my mom's alarming lab values of the night before had become horrifying. Her renal doctor wanted to put her on dialysis and my dad said no. The palliative care nurse wanted to know if I agreed. I absolutely did.
I was so glad we had had these conversations with my mother in the months before and knew her wishes for the end of her life. I didn't have to make that decision because she already had...while she was still able to be clear about what she wanted. I will just say that the palliative care team at KU are the kindest, most supportive people I have ever met. They took care of us. My mom's nurse told us it would be awhile before they moved her to a new room (out of the ICU where we all would be more comfortable and have some privacy). When I asked if the palliative care rooms were all full, she looked at me and said, "No, honey, you're KU family (I work in their NICU and Steve is one of their electricians). We're cleaning one of the bigger rooms for your mom." I would say that membership has its privileges, but I know that this is just the way we roll at KU--our patients ALL get excellent care! It was with a very heavy heart that I called my daughter who is living in Annapolis and told her to get on the next flight she could. Her dad (no love lost here, but I give credit where it's due) called me back and said they were booking her on the first available flight. She made it several hours later and spent the night with me and my mom at the hospital. At around 4:30 in the morning I woke up with the feeling that something wasn't right. The nurse had been in around 2 and gave my mom something for pain. I don't know what woke me, but I knew something had changed. I walked over and saw that my mom was either breathing VERY shallowly or not at all. I laid my hand on her chest and she felt cool. I didn't feel a heart rate. I woke Cait and then went for the nurse. My mom passed quietly, with family there. My dad and my son and his girlfriend joined us and we started making all the final arrangements.
Can I just say here that the beginning of 2015 really sucked? It's half over now, and things are looking up, but that rocky start changed me in ways I will never recover--hopefully there is some ultimate good in there. It has made me ever so aware that there is no time in this life for negative feelings, held grudges, and trivial pursuits. Make the most of the days you are given for they indeed may be few--or numbered in the amount you get before you feel too bad to enjoy them. Love the ones you're with, take EVERY opportunity to laugh, stop sweating the small stuff--and most of it really is just small stuff, laugh, and LIVE! Enjoy a sunset or sunrise, walk on the beach, drink a little wine, and live a life you love!
